Gred and Forge Must Not
by the queen of slurking
Summary: A list of all the things Gred and Forge must not do. Yes, this is one of those stories. Probably going to be AU in some places.
1. Chapter 1

**The boring stuff: I am not J.K. Rowling. My bank balance confirms this. I own nothing. **

**One idea per chapter. I am going to do my very best to be original, and I apologize if I accidentally copy something. This will be somewhat AU. Voldemort is alive, but no-one (Cedric included) has died. Any other things you need to know, I'll mention it accordingly.**

**With that out of the way…**

**Gred and Forge Must Not, chapter 1.**

1. Gred and Forge must not Polyjuice the boys of Gryffindor house into Harry Potter, then argue over which is the real one.

Fred shifted the schoolbag slung over his shoulder. It was heavier than usual today, packed with a copy of _Moste Potente Potions_, the necessary ingredients for Polyjuice Potion and two shrunken-down cauldrons. While he waited and kept a watch out, George summoned up the Room of Requirement to become a potions lab.

Moments later, the door appeared and the twins slipped inside with furtive glances in either direction. The potions lab that awaited them was perfect, looking very much like Professor Snape's own classroom lab.

The twins prepared the mixture as they needed, each hovering over their own cauldron. At last, they were done and ready to let the potion sit for the month it needed to. In that time they would need to procure a few last ingredients, including the hairs of one Harry Potter.

The next few weeks passed reasonably uneventfully, for Fred and George. One night Fred managed to sneak into Ron's dorm, where he found Harry's hairbrush and stole several hairs and secured them in a small vial.

Finally, the potion was ready. Before dawn, each twin donned dark clothes and cast Disillusionment Charms, sneaking out to their lab to bottle the Polyjuice. Unknown to Harry, they had been persuading some of their dormmates to join in the insanity. Seamus, Neville, Dean, Ron and Lee had all agreed. It hadn't taken much more work before Colin and Dennis Creevey had signed on, and the twins were-of course-also planning to take part.

Each twin had transfigured copies of Harry's glasses and small flasks for the boys to keep a measure of Polyjuice throughout the day. It also hadn't taken much effort for them to alter the sizes of their uniforms to match Harry's.

Not long before the rest of the school was waking up, the twins went and summoned the others to the Room. Here, they distributed the glasses and flasks of Polyjuice, watching in anticipation as their seven housemates got taller or shorter, dark hair and that famous lightning bolt scar. Clinking their flasks together, they drank and felt their own transformations.

After that, it was quick work to change into their uniforms and remind their conspirators to drink the Polyjuice at least once an hour. One by one, the nine Harry Potters exited the Room and headed for breakfast.

The Hall was mostly empty, due to the early hour when Harry Potter came in. Nothing seemed off about it, except that Harry was already present and already halfway through his own breakfast.

A few minutes, the next Harry appeared. Teachers and staff alike filtered in, not noticing the unusual phenomenon at Gryffindor table. Dumbledore seemed to have noticed, maybe. That twinkle was in his eyes, as always.

More Harrys appeared, and still no-one noticed. Each Harry that arrived settled in, taking breakfast and keeping his head down.

Dumbledore stood to make morning announcements, and as he did, Harry looked up. As soon as he had, all nine others looked up as one.

The reaction was instant.

McGonagall spilt her tea; Snape choked and several students looked slightly scared.

Dumbledore braced himself. He wasn't sure he _really_ wanted to do this, wasn't sure it was a good idea at all. Doing so could only lead to a headache, and maybe bring about an onslaught of fainting.

And yet.

"Which one of you is the real Harry Potter?" Almost as soon as he had finished his question, ten voices answered in perfect unison-almost as if they'd practiced beforehand.

"I am."

McGonagall buried her face in her hands.

"Would the real Harry please stand up?" Again, in unison, the ten arose, nine being careful to mimic Harry's mannerisms.

After some consideration, he decided it would be less of a headache for himself if he simply sent Harry-all ten-to class. Without making the announcements, he stood and left to search out a headache reliever.

Hermione thought it was rather disconcerting to see Harry looking at himself, several times over. Somehow, they seemed to come to some kind of decision, and with one quick swig of Polyjuice followed the real Harry out of the hall and to his first class.

Potions was first on the agenda. As they walked in a tight cluster, they agreed to mimic Harry's every action as closely as possible. Even if it meant blowing up cauldrons.

Snape entered the classroom to see ten Harry Potters seated, nine looking overly innocent and angelic. Hands folded over books, bags neatly tucked under the desks and writing supplies perfectly arranged.

For some reason, it looked to Snape like those quills and inkpots were mocking him. Ready to leap off the desk and attack at a moment's notice.

The tenth Potter sat as far away as he could without actually being in Slytherin territory.

The rest of the class trickled in, no doubt whispering about this latest stunt.

Grudgingly, Snape gave the orders for the class to begin brewing Sleeping Draughts. It was simple enough, and surely it couldn't be messed up.

To his horror, the Potters quickly arranged themselves, scattering around the room in their pairs. Now he wasn't sure of which might be the real one… Damn it to all hell.

He would simply have to be sure he didn't address Potter by name.

Each Harry was doing the potion perfectly. More insult to injury, as it meant he couldn't realistically sneer at him for botching up. Probably they were operating under Polyjuice, which meant it'd be a while for the potion to wear off and even then, they probably knew it took an hour before wearing off.

Eventually the class ended and he retreated to his office to down a quick headache reliever.

McGonagall had somehow managed to forget that there was an explosion in the number of Potters currently in the school. Thus, when they trooped in with (mostly) cheerful smiles and bright eyes, she felt her heart sink to somewhere around her kneecaps.

She could do this. She could, she really could. It just meant avoiding using his name at all.

Unfortunately, the absolute silence radiating from Potter's corner (they were all gathered as closely as possible) made her nervous. She watched and listened with some apprehension as they settled in to transfiguring blocks of wood to carved ornaments.

After half the lesson had passed, one Potter raised his hand to ask a question.

Evidently this was a cue, because the others quickly raised their hands too. Giving them her Death Glare O' Doom, she turned to the one she thought had been first to raise his hand.

"Yes, Potter?"

Somehow the ten of them managed to ask precisely in unison, exactly how one was supposed to pronounce the incantation.

Upon returning to her desk, McGonagall conjured a small clock and watched avidly for the remainder of the lesson.

At lunch, the boys clearly hadn't stopped taking the Polyjuice yet. Their numbers had yet to diminish, as there were still all ten.

Several staff members began to hallucinate there were even more. Sprout could've sworn she saw thirteen or fourteen. Flitwick and Dumbledore, meanwhile, were creating a betting pool on how much longer the school would be hosting multiple Potters, while Pomfrey worried that an increase in Potters would mean an increase in hospital activity.

Lunch was reasonably peaceful, until the arguing began. At first, no-one even registered it. It could've been someone disagreeing over a homework answer. From there it escalated. All ten were arguing over who the real Potter was. For the first time, McGonagall felt a pang of sympathy. One of them obviously was Harry, but until the potion wore off (or they stopped taking it) there was no way to prove it.

Lunch finished, and Sprout headed off to her greenhouses. To her horror, she realized that she had Harry's class now. Time for the ten terrors.

Mercifully, they were rather subdued and created no mayhem, which may have been a side effect of the constant Polyjuicing today. Before she had left the Great Hall, Dumbledore had assured her that the prank would, undoubtedly be ended by the time classes finished for the day.

He was wrong. After Herbology had finished the ten Harrys returned to their common room, each intent on as much mischief as they could.

By dinner no-one was any the wiser as to which was the real Harry, and they were still scattered around the castle. It was rather worrying.

Dinner passed uneventfully, with the exception of a much smaller argument over who the real Harry was. The staff hoped it would be an end to it, and McGonagall headed to the common room to check up on her students. To her relief, there were now only seven Harrys, and one whose hair was slowly turning red.

By midnight, the Gryffindors were all back to their usual selfs, and Fred and George decided to stay up late to plan their next mission.

At breakfast the next morning the entire school was relieved to see only one Harry Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Gred and Forge Must Not**

**Chapter 2: A/N Umbridge is possibly a bit OOC here. Well, it's better than her REAL self.**

2. Give Professor Umbridge a collection of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes and call it a "welcome gift".

Fred and George lingered after their first Defence class, waiting for the last students to leave. Once the room was empty, they dawdled to the front of the room, George carrying a small wicker basket.

"We wanted to give you this…"

"…as a welcome gift…"

"…Hogwarts sees so many Defence professors…"

"…We thought it would be nice…"

"…to create a tradition…"

"…of welcoming new professors…"

During this exchange Umbridge had been looking from one speaker to the other. They were absolutely identical, and, going by their ties, they were in Gryffindor.

One twin-she hadn't got their names-handed over the basket, and then they left for lunch.

She watched them leave, for some reason feeling like she would have to keep an eye on them this year, before putting away the basket and heading to the Great Hall for lunch.

Later that evening Umbridge got the chance to inspect the gift basket the twins had given her. So far, she hadn't needed to bring it up with McGonagall. The basket after all was rather nicely presented, and it looked perfectly innocent.

Really, what harm could a gift basket do?

Umbridge soon found out when she took out one of the quills to start marking. Dipping it in red ink, she soon noticed the ink staining the quill and her hand, before the quill crumbled in her fingers. Irritated, she picked up a piece of the quill and realized it was sugar.

_No matter_, she thought, _they must have just mixed up the real and fake._

With that, she selected a real quill and set to her marking.

The gift basket remained forgotten for the next few days, until she was looking for a jar of ink. Finally remembering the basket, she rifled through until she rather conveniently found a bottle of ink. Hopefully it would be a nice blue or deep green; she didn't remember having seen it before.

Dipping her quill, she started scratching out plans for the next week's classes. To her annoyance, the ink was neither blue nor green, but alternating between Gryffindor red and gold.

It was almost an offense to her eyes.

So far two of the products the gift basket had yielded had been somewhat faulty. Then again, it was possible the twins had thought it was only red ink. And the Sugar Quills had to be realistic; they wouldn't fool anyone otherwise.

Relaxing, Umbridge decided to look through the basket later.

"Later" found Umbridge searching through the basket. She was pleased to find several scrolls of rather expensive-looking parchment-it meant she wouldn't have to buy any for herself for a time.

There were also several candies: caramel nougat, chocolate fudge and custard creams.

So far, Umbridge thought, this was setting up for a rather pleasant way to spend her lesson while the children read their textbooks.

A few days later Umbridge had her fifth-years in class. Flicking her wand at the board, she directed the children to chapter ten and settled at her desk with a piece of fudge, some parchment from the basket and a quill to write to the Minister.

Once finished with the letter, Umbridge rolled it up and set it aside before eating a piece of the fudge.

Several students looked up in surprise when their professor fainted. Fifteen minutes later, she still hadn't woken. Almost in unison the class began packing up their things and leaving, all with the excuse of finding another professor to either continue supervising the class or assisting Umbridge.

A few days after the fainting incident, the school was enjoying their dinner without incident. Once finished with dinner, the twins found a packet of Canary Creams and levitated one onto Umbridge's plate when no-one was looking.

One would think Umbridge would have learned not to blindly take things she was given, especially given the past few incidents-and considering her current teaching position. Unfortunately for her, she had yet to learn this lesson, which was why she dumbly ate the biscuits that the elves must have placed on her plate.

At least, she managed the first one before she turned into a rather large canary. Her temper wasn't soothed one bit by the hilarity that broke out among the students-_and staff_. McGonagall looked entirely too happy and amused, as did Flitwick, and even Snape looked marginally less sour than usual. _Honestly, _she fumed_ these people need to learn respect to their superiors._

Once her feathers had disappeared, (and not a moment too soon) Umbridge rose with as much dignity as she could muster and stalked out of the Great Hall.

This exit would have been vastly more effective if she hadn't still had bright yellow feathers tangled in her hair.

A few days later, her temper was worsened by the Howler she received at breakfast. To her horror, it was from the Minister.

Umbridge cringed back from the man's voice ringing throughout the hall, reprimanding her for being so disrespectful and ill-mannered to her boss. Confusion fogged her mind as she considered the letter she had written. She was _certain_ it had been a polite, well-thought-out letter, updating Minister Fudge on the current state of things at Hogwarts and informing him of her next plans.

Maybe the letter had been jinxed so Fudge would read it as insults. Or the parchment itself could have been spelled to change anything written into insults. Given that the parchment from the twins' basket of gifts-all of which had somehow gone wrong or backfired-it seemed quite likely.

To make matters worse, none of the staff were backing her up. Even McGonagall, who as Deputy Headmistress should have been loyal to and supportive of the Headmistress. She seemed to favour watching Umbridge have to deal with one prank after another.

She wished she could fire the lot of them, but then that would create a nightmare finding and hiring new staff.

Umbridge sighed and ladled five tablespoons of sugar into her tea, looking around her office at the various kittens and all the pink. It seemed the kittens weren't doing her any favours with the people who walked into her office: Snape had taken one look and a very pained expression had come over his face, before he composed himself. She could've sworn she had heard him grinding his teeth.

Then there was McGonagall, who had taken one look at all the kittens and looked very much as if she wanted to put the Reducto curse to use. Umbridge had to admit, she couldn't understand why McGonagall had looked so offended-the woman spent probably half her time as a cat.

A few weeks later, the twins had conspired with Peeves to dose Umbridge with a Cheering Elixir at breakfast. Once he had slipped it into her tea and she had drunk it, the twins and several other Gryffindors surreptitiously hit her with Cheering Charms of varying strength.

Umbridge suddenly leaped to her feet and almost skipped out of the hall, beaming affectionately at the Gryffindors and pausing to ruffle Harry's hair. Every person present froze, some with forks or drinks in mid-air, others in the middle of getting up or sitting down, to track her progress through the hall.

By the end of the day the potion and charms had worn off almost completely and Umbridge was in a foul mood. To her irritation, Gryffindor was up at least two hundred points, and she could hear little whispers about how many points she had given, and to whom. Her colleagues were eyeing her speculatively, wondering if she was going to take points to compensate for what she had given.

Directly after dinner Umbridge retired to her chambers, hoping to Merlin there would be no more pranks. Otherwise, she might have to retire early altogether.

Luckily, the twins were bored of pranking Umbridge and decided to find a new target.

And Umbridge learned a new lesson: never trust such obscure objects as parchment or sweets.


	3. Chapter 3

**Gred and Forge Must Not**

**Chapter 3: A/N In almost every Harry Potter fanfiction I have read that has Albus in it, there are lemon drops. This is not a bad thing. Also, I'm very fond of ellipses.**

3. Spread rumours about the demise of lemon drops. Or enlist others to aid in the apparent demise of lemon drops.

It was a perfectly average Monday morning. Students sat at the their tables, sleepily munching on toast, reading texts for class or talking about the upcoming Gryffindor/Ravenclaw Quidditch game. The professors meanwhile sat watching over their students, draining coffee and poised to step in should an argument break out.

After all, between the Weasley twins and the Potter-Malfoy rivalry, virtually anything could happen.

The professors relaxed as breakfast wore on without incident, until dozens of owls flew in and began delivering copies of the Daily Prophet.

McGonagall looked up at the sound of whispers coming from the Gryffindor table. So far, she hadn't noticed anything to get worked up over-then again, she was still immersed in an article on runic theory in Transfiguration.

Other students began to wonder what was going on, and it appeared that they were flipping through the paper looking for something in particular. McGonagall dismissed it, figuring it just was Skeeter's latest trashy column. They were a Knut a dozen-nothing to get very worked up over.

As she finished the last of her coffee and started to get up, her sensitive hearing began to pick up on phrases the students were murmuring among themselves.

"He's going to freak out…"

Potter, maybe? What had Skeeter written about him _this _time?

"I bet you a box of Chocolate Frogs he starts taking points from Gryffindor…"

Not Potter then. It couldn't be Snape either, his taking points was virtually a Hogwarts tradition.

"Do you suppose he'll start a petition?…"

McGonagall was increasingly confused. Maybe someone was going to petition Snape to stop taking points… With that she stood folded up the Prophet, stood fully and was just returning her chair to her original position when Albus staggered in.

He looked dreadful. He was pale and his hands shook. His usually tidy hair and beard stuck out, giving him the impression of that mad Muggle scientist… Endstern, McGonagall thought it was. She and Poppy hurried to his side-perhaps he was sick… perhaps the sock manufacturers were going to phase out the crazy pattern range.

The witches ushered him out of the staff entrance and to the Infirmary, sharing a look of bewilderment. Usually nothing got Albus in such a state-not even that one time when the elves had taken it upon themselves to replace his colourful clothes with conservative ones.

To their surprise Albus had followed along obediently, but looking at him McGonagall realized his eyes were dazed. He probably didn't realize where they were going.

Once in Poppy's office, they sat down with a strong cup of tea-in Albus' case, laced with Calming Drought, and McGonagall noticed the crumpled page he was grasping.

She tried to tug it from his hand, but even in his dazed state his grip was strong. Instead, she quietly Accio-ed it and smoothed it out, looking for what had stunned Albus so thoroughly. Poppy peered over her shoulder at it, before tapping a tiny box of writing. It only took up about an inch of space in all, but it was enough to bring on an instant headache.

"Oh Merlin."

Poppy took the page and read the contents of that hateful little box aloud. "Quandarus Quinces has today suggested that he will be permanently cancelling production of citrus-based sweets, including Lemon Drops and Sherbet Lemons."

The women stared at each other for a few minutes, McGonagall noticing a very faint hint of relief-or was that amusement?-in Poppy's eyes.

"I've always told him it was bad for him to eat so many," Poppy defended herself. "Maybe now he'll have to ease up."

A quick glance at Albus confirmed he still looked dazed, and McGonagall cast a brief Stinging Hex at his hand to try and bring him out of La-La Land. It worked, for he ever-so-slowly shifted his gaze from the vase of daisies on Poppy's desk to the wand McGonagall still held loosely in her right hand.

Then, he looked at her. That look in his eyes was of sorrow and tiredness and loss. _For bloody lemon drops!_ McGonagall cursed silently. Didn't he have more pressing things to worry about, like the Ministry calling him a dangerous lunatic for telling them You-Know-Who was back-or the fact that he was even back? Or maybe that small detail that with You-Know-Who back, he might really come after Harry Potter with a vengeance.

_Honestly,_ she huffed. _The man has no sense of priority._

For the first time this morning, Albus spoke. "No… more… Lemon Drops?" His voice was raspy and one would think he hadn't slept in a month, even though this news had come-less than two hours ago.

Poppy and McGonagall traded another glance, before McGonagall rose and took a firm hold of her employer's elbow. She guided him to his office, setting down some paperwork and writing supplies and left him to it. Possibly, she could pretend to herself that while she taught her second-years, he would get some work done.

The rest of the morning passed and lunchtime arrived. To McGonagall's frustration, Albus never showed. Once finished with her lunch she departed for his office, letting herself in to find Albus sitting in almost precisely the position he had been four hours ago. As per her guess, he hadn't done anything either.

On second thought… he had made a border around the sheet of parchment. It was the words 'lemon drops' in linked letters running together to make one word. Examining it closer, McGonagall was dismayed to find that every O was in fact shaped as a lemon drop.

It looked like she would have to temporarily take over as Headmistress.

The next few weeks were beyond frustrating for McGonagall. Since she'd stepped up as Headmistress, Snape had stepped in as Deputy Headmaster. This meant that she had to deal with double the snark about Slytherin's Quidditch superiority. Much to her disappointment, she couldn't snap back because she was still trying to teach her own classes and deal with paperwork _and _the idiot Minister… who, she remembered one day, was named Fudge.

It was so tempting to curse him, maybe transfigure him _into_ a slab of fudge… No, she decided. That was too macabre, somehow. That someone might accidentally eat Fudge-fudge (or should that be fudge-Fudge?)… it was enough to make her brain shut off altogether and reach for the Firewhiskey.

Besides, then the Ministry would be without a Minister and they'd be even more incompetent.

Albus hadn't even been this bad during the House-Elf Colourful Clothes Rebellion of 1964.

Just when she thought things couldn't get any worse, there one day was a letter lying on her desk. It was addressed to Albus. McGonagall took it to mean that the sender was unaware that Albus was temporarily not Headmaster, and requested an elf to take it to him with his lunch.

Five hours later, when her eyes were beginning to cross from answering some dreadfully tedious letter, a cry rang out. It was a sign of how bad things were getting that she lifted her head at this new sign of life.

Albus reappeared in front of her desk with a letter and it was with an overwhelming sense of déjà vu that she took it and read it.

Key phrases jumped out at her as if they had been highlighted in red. _"Loyal customer…" "regret to inform…" _

"_Confirmation that this range will be discontinued as of January 31..."_

This was bad.

A sudden idea struck her and she rummaged in one of the hidden compartments of the desk, finding a brand-new five kilo bag. A few quick charms later and the bag was hovering in front of Albus, who brightened and hugged the bag as he would an old friend.

As she watched him go she shook her head and dreaded the day the supply ran out.

A few days later an owl flew in bearing a large parcel and a note. A quick scan of the parcel revealed more bloody Lemon Drops and a letter explaining that this was the last batch produced. Because Albus was the most loyal customer of Lemon Drops, he was receiving the final batch.

It was the oddest thing, but as she read the signature, she could have sworn she saw a trio of W's shimmering over the name.

An elf was promptly sent to deliver the parcel, and she returned to her work.

January came and went and there were still deliveries of Lemon Drops haunting McGonagall. If she hadn't known better, she would have thought they were following her, trying to drive her mad. As it was, it seemed to be keeping Albus sane and giving her some peace in which to get work done.

One day she happened upon the Weasley twins discussing the recent shortage of lemon drops and shifted into her Animagus form to listen unobtrusively. Unfortunately for her the twins seemed to be speaking in code. When she combined that with their habits of finishing each other's sentences and speaking in unison, she began to get a headache very quickly. Nothing useful came of the discussion, and she padded off discontent.

Back in her human form, she downed a headache relieving potion-for some reason Snape had seen fit to stock her with enough to last a year-and started to wonder if it wasn't all some very elaborate prank. She couldn't put anything past the twins after all.

Even if it was, she would have to find some proof, and the twins were more intelligent than using school owls and faking letters.

March finished, and on the first day of April another letter arrived. By now, McGonagall recognized the distinctive bright pink parchment which was always addressed in equally bright purple and blue ink. She had come to _hate_ these letters. They were eyesores, and the first time she had tried to hex it into a quieter colour it had chased her around the office, occasionally hitting her over the head, for a good twenty minutes. Then when she'd tried to grab it, the damned thing had flown up higher than she could reach.

She hadn't dared try a Summoning Charm. And anyway, out of mythological figures, she had been named for the goddess of wisdom. Not that fool who had angered the gods and spent his life reaching for fruit and water that always made themselves unattainable as soon as he moved.

Besides all that, it meant lemon drops.

Only, there were no lemon drops today. It was merely a slim envelope, and the smoothness of it gave away that there were no lemon drops tucked inside.

With a pang of dread and a shot of Firewhiskey at the ready, she opened the letter.

It was short, only a few lines.

_We have changed our decision to cease production on Lemon Drops and other related items. _

_We do apologize for any inconvenience, and hope you continue to enjoy our fine products._

_W. W. W._

McGonagall decided to enjoy the idea of finding whomever W. W. W. was and cursing them into next decade. Maybe she'd take a leaf from Moody's book.

School quickly returned to normal once she and Snape had gone back to their normal posts and Albus had resumed Headmaster duties.

One evening McGonagall was walking the corridors when she came across the Weasley twins. They were referring to something they called 'Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes'.

Being rather brilliant, it didn't take long for her to make the connection. _Those bloody Weasleys!_

The twins, seeing the anger on their professor's face, quickly (and rather sensibly) fled, finally exploding a small piñata McGonagall had not noticed earlier. To her shock lemon drops flew all over the place, taunting and mocking her. Stopping where she was, she began cursing every one of the small candies individually before turning back to the twin terrors for a good dressing down-only to realize they weren't there.

Instead, the lemon drops had formed that wretched three-W symbol she had come to detest.

Cursing, she retired to her chambers.

_Maybe I should charm a few dozen lemon drops to chase each twin around for a while…_


	4. Chapter 4

**Gred and Forge Must Not**

**Chapter 4: A/N Dumbledore might be a bit OOC…**

4. Charm doors so when Dumbledore walks through, his robes change colour.

Dumbledore was confused. This in itself was a rarity, as he had been described many a time as brilliant.

Granted, not every time had been polite or sincere. Some had been sarcastic. Some had merely referenced his brilliance. Some had been begrudging. The fact still remained, Dumbledore was about the most powerful wizard ever and everyone knew it. He had his own Chocolate Frog image, and the awe of many.

Besides that, he had an incredible intellect. He had coached Minerva to become an Animagus, and lived long enough that he could still consider her young. He was not lacking in life experience, and he preferred the phrase _foolish_ rather than stupid when considering mistakes.

And yet. Someone had somehow managed to fool him. Earlier this morning, before he had entered the Great Hall, his robes had been deep orange and purple. For some reason Severus had looked as if he would like nothing more than to curse the robes, or something around him.

Then once inside the Hall, he had sat down to breakfast, just the same as any other day. Minerva had given him a funny look, and he had smiled brightly at her to cover his (very slight) confusion. Just to cover his tracks he had offered her a lemon drop and she had refused.

It was when he was reaching for his goblet that he had noticed it. His sleeve, formerly orange and purple, was now green. In fact, it was almost the same green as Minerva's robes.

He shrugged it off, figuring he'd been hit with a stray colour-change spell and not noticed. A quick scan told him that the rest of his robe was also green.

So the spell had been a strong one. Funny that he hadn't noticed.

Looking across the tables, he saw that a few students did have their wands out. The Finnegan lad in Gryffindor appeared to be trying to make his goblet sing, while Miss Bones in Hufflepuff was charming her knife and fork to cut her food.

Dumbledore brushed it off and finished his breakfast without another thought. Leaving the hall, he returned to his office, for some reason garnering a few strange looks from students.

Minerva had caught up with him, and she noticed almost immediately that his robes were no longer the orange, nor the green. Rather, they were an incredibly bright red. Minerva couldn't be sure, but she thought it looked about the same red as those Muggle fire-trucks she had seen once as a child.

After walking through several more doors, she just _had_ to ask-she was starting to feel slightly dizzy from the constantly changing robes Dumbledore was wearing.

"Have you charmed those robes to change colour?" she braced herself for an answer-knowing Dumbledore, he might well have decided he was bored with robes that only stayed one colour. It was a short decision before he responded in the affirmative, aiming to make himself look less of a prat. After all, if he had consciously done it, then he wouldn't have to admit that he had no clue as to why his robes were continually changing colour.

By the end of the day, the Headmaster's robes had changed another dozen times and even he was getting tired of it. Retiring to his chambers, he threw the robes out of sight. Perhaps some student had charmed them and he hadn't realized, it was of course odd that he didn't realize but it could happen. Even geniuses made mistakes occasionally.

The next morning he very deliberately picked out a plain gray, and after a moment's thought charmed the edges a slightly darker shade. Satisfied that today's robes would stay one colour, he left for the Great Hall…

Only to find when he sat down that there were now butterflies, pink and white, all over his sleeves. To make matters worse, he found that every time he moved his arm, the butterflies appeared to be dancing.

He hadn't even realized that butterflies could dance.

It seemed that today's robe charm would be patterns. This occurred to him when a few minutes later he was walking through the door and the butterflies changed into tiny leprechauns. As he watched, a leprechaun climbed the rainbow that had appeared on his sleeve and slid down, landing by a pot of gold situated near his wrist.

It occurred to him that the robes changed when he walked through a door. Clearly, they had been charmed to do so.

What he hadn't taken into account was that he was wearing different robes to yesterday… unless of course the culprit was taking the trouble to charm each new set of robes when they saw him. Yes, that was it. All he had to do now was find the culprit, and perhaps put a charm on the robes so they would be impervious to the next colour-change spell.

Walking into the staffroom, he had to wonder what the next change would be. Thankfully the leprechauns were gone-they had been cute, but it could get distracting watching them all day. Minerva looked up to greet him as he took a seat, but her greeting seemed to freeze on her lips.

He watched her in bewilderment as she stared in horror at the logo now on his right shoulder-maybe the Dark Mark? The Grim?-and conjured up a mirror so he could see it. Even in reverse, the design was easy to make out. Three W's, overlapping each other slightly.

For some reason Minerva sank back into her chair, hands gripping the armrests as if she would like to strangle them. Or, perhaps this mysterious W. W. W.

Over the next hour Minerva had almost begun behaving like Sybill at the sight of the Grim. Dumbledore caught mutterings of "who's next" and something about targets. Perhaps the woman was going mad, or just needed a holiday.

Maybe he could order her to take a relaxing holiday… then again, he knew Minerva well enough to know that she wouldn't simply agree. It might be more efficient if he were to hand her a Portkey that would take her straight to her holiday home-true, he would have to organize everything, but it would be worth it if it restored his deputy's sanity.

That evening Dumbledore walked through the doors to his personal chambers, and noticed right away that the robes' patterns had changed again. This time they were a particularly hideous tartan that even Minerva wouldn't wear-then again, Minerva would never wear pink, let alone pink, silver and black tartan.

Dumbledore had to wonder if the culprit was perhaps slightly fashion-challenged, or if they were trying to tell him something by charming his robes various colours and patterns.

On second thought the charm would surely wear off soon, and after all, never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Dumbledore relaxed his guard, figuring the charm would go away and that perhaps the process would be accelerated if he ignored it. So he continued about his daily life, pretending that the charm was not still in effect. He acted as though he didn't notice when his robes randomly changed colour or pattern.

Unfortunately the pretending had no effect, and now it seemed as though the charm was going through phases. First had been the pastel shade-Dumbledore maintained that it had looked like an explosion of an Easter basket. Then there had been the holiday theme, which wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been for the robes' being newly charmed to sing the relevant songs.

And then there had been the Hawaiian phase. As a general rule Dumbledore liked bright colours. He liked the impression of cheerfulness they created. Besides, there was the theory that bright colour improved people's moods…

Soon though, the charm began to reverse. Instead of making some ghastly colour combination or pattern, the robes soon began to drain of colour. One could actually _watch_ as the colour was leached out, going from a bright sky-blue to a dull gray.

Severus commented that the colour-drainage had looked like a human being drained of blood by a vampire.

On one particularly dreadful day Dumbledore's robes had been so completely leached of colour they were almost white. Then, the colour had returned in a burst of noise, sounding rather like trumpets and drums.

This pattern was then repeated for several hours, and numerous staff members backed away claiming sudden dizziness or a need to lie down.

Finally, _finally,_ the charm seemed broken. The robes stayed one colour, they remained in one pattern. There was no further changing. Dumbledore and his staff breathed a sigh of relief that at last, they could put behind them this irritating robes-scheme.

That is, until one early Friday morning, when there was a staff meeting when Severus strode in.

His normal pace, usually so intimidating, was not so much today, owing to the fact that his robes were now a neon pink and trimmed with fluffy white feathers.


	5. Chapter 5

**Gred and Forge Must Not**

**Chapter 5: A/N This will be divided into two chapters for the sake of brevity… It was going to be four, but that seemed a bit much. Probable OOC-ness ahead.**

5. Create lists of guidelines for the Heads of House.

Pomona Sprout had had quite a good day. She hadn't had to deal with any of the fall-out from the pranks the Weasley twins decided to play.

Dinner had been calm, and the house-elves had served her favourite quiche. There had been no major arguments, no need for her to take off points. Her office was neat and the greenhouses seemed oddly clean of all the usual grime and dirt.

Upon entering her chambers, Sprout's attention was caught by a scroll of parchment, tied with bright orange ribbon. After a few low-level detection charms she opened it warily and watched as writing began to flow over the sheet.

Evidently a charm to make sure the right person reads it, she considered. Returning her attention to the page, she sighed when she read the heading.

_Being a Head of House: the Unofficial Guidelines._

_The Hufflepuff edition._

She considered being offended but decided against it. If it was "unofficial" then more likely it was just Dumbledore's odd sense of humour at work. Besides, she'd been a Head of House for years. She hardly needed guidelines.

Well, anyway.

1. The Head of Hufflepuff must overlook the occasional prank her students might elect to play upon their classmates. However, praise and compliments are welcomed, as are the giving of points.

2. The Head of Hufflepuff must never take points from a student. To do so would injure her fair reputation, and Hogwarts needs someone to counter the points Slytherin's head might (and does) take on a frequent basis.

3. The Head of Hufflepuff should encourage her house to participate or initiate activities which would raise the house's standing in the school. These activities are not limited to, but may including fighting a troll, basilisk, dragon or some other equally terrifying creature.

4. The Head of Hufflepuff should have a signature candy to offer students and colleagues, should she ever need to act as Headmistress or Deputy Headmistress. Dumbledore and McGonagall both have one.

5. The Head of Hufflepuff must not throw the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor to the Whomping Willow and claim he should be able to defend himself. Nor should she be tempted to.

6. The Head of Hufflepuff must not hold poker nights with her colleagues in an attempt to prove that Hufflepuffs are not boring. Similarly, she must not offer to teach her oldest students poker in a bid to make herself seem young or cool.

7. The Head of Hufflepuff must not enlist Peeves to act as delivery-boy when Professor Snape needs potions ingredients. Potions ingredients are to be handled carefully and placed on a desk; Peeves does not understand this. Likewise, mealtimes are not the most suitable time for handing over ingredients.

8. The Head of Hufflepuff need not charge for potions ingredients. They are used in potions which benefit generally the entire school. Small exceptions may however be made for particularly difficult or rare products.

9. The Head of Hufflepuff should join her colleagues frequently for drinks, fun or the mere act of being social. While this may appear contradictory to the aforementioned Line 6, it is not intended to be. In this case, the Head is required to figure it out for herself.

10. The Head of Hufflepuff should know that it is not generally a good idea to bait a Potions Master or Transfiguration Mistress. Doing so may lead to one's drink or food being laced with drink; alternately, one may then be transfigured into a footstool or hat.

Filius Flitwick was looking forward to the end of classes. He'd received at breakfast a new book that he'd been quite looking forward to reading. After that, he had a few class plans to fix up. The next things he wanted to teach his students were a little more challenging, but he felt they would all enjoy it in their ways. After all, Gryffindors were intelligent, as were Slytherins. Hufflepuffs never minded hard work, and Ravenclaws were naturally studious.

In all, it was quite a pleasure to teach.

The end of the day arrived, and Flitwick retired to his library. It was his favourite room, and he had managed to furnish it so that he could quite reasonably fall asleep in there and still be comfortable.

Picking up the book, he noticed a scroll tied with orange ribbon. After a few moments' thought he scanned it; finding nothing, he opened it and watched in amusement as the writing spilled across the page.

_Being a Head of House: the Unofficial Guidelines._

_The Ravenclaw Edition._

Well, this could be entertaining.

1. The Head of Ravenclaw must not read too many books, lest he become too serious and anti-social. One book in the evenings is reasonable, five is not. A maximum of four per week is suggested.

2. The Head of Ravenclaw should not walk the halls and randomly challenge students or staff to duels. It is true that he was once a duelling champion; it is not necessary to boast or advertise it. He may, however, use it to put someone in their place if they prove to be a fraud.

3. The Head of Ravenclaw should endorse the playing of pranks, especially when they are charms-based. Similarly, he is encouraged to compliment and give points.

4. While it is not vital for the Head of Ravenclaw to be familiar with the works of Edgar Allen Poe it is a good idea. After all, Poe had a poem named the Raven, which is the emblem of Ravenclaw.

5. The Head of Ravenclaw should be patient where bird jokes are concerned, as there are always going to be those people who suggest that his Animagus form be a raven clutching a book in his claws.

6. The Head of Ravenclaw should not rely solely on _Macbeth _for inspiration of what the choir is to sing. It may prove eerily prophetic or ironic, and Snape scorns the idea of putting such ingredients mentioned into a cauldron together as a fool's idea. One never knows what potion might result.

7. The Head of Ravenclaw must not make very obvious attempts to undermine the Hogwarts High Inquisitor. He must instead use fireworks in a passive-aggressive manner and cheer on his students as they torment her.

8. The Head of Ravenclaw may not want to use, or consider using, the name of someone he has feared for years up until the time at which his death seems very imminent.

9. The Head of Ravenclaw may not use Charms as any sort of punishment. Charming Draco Malfoy's hair and robes semi-permanently to make him look like a Gryffindor supporter, while amusing, is not entirely fair. Especially if the charms have been altered so he cannot undo the charms, and especially if his only basis for doing so is that "Draco is annoying".

10. The Head of Ravenclaw must remember that books are not always a desired Christmas present. This is particularly true in Dumbledore's case: he would prefer socks, and having to transfigure the present to something he truly wants is just rude.


	6. Chapter 6

**Gred and Forge Must Not**

**Chapter 6: A/N a continuation of chapter 5, in which Gred and Forge must not create guidelines for being a Head of House.**

Minerva McGonagall settled into her office after dinner, retrieving the book in which she had pages of information on Muggle-borns showing signs of magic. Some new children had come to notice, and she would have to keep an eye on them until it was time for them to come to Hogwarts.

Underneath the book lay a scroll. It was tied with a bright orange ribbon and was in perfect condition despite having been under a book for Merlin-knew how long.

Unrolling the scroll, she noted the heading with a feeling of offence. She had been teaching for years; she didn't need guidelines.

_Being a Head of House: the Unofficial Guidelines_

_The Gryffindor Edition_

1. The Head of Gryffindor must not frequently wear robes that are the colour of another house, lest people be confused about which House she supports. For instance, by often wearing emerald green, people may be of the opinion that the Head of House supports Slytherin. Furthermore, were people to question her house loyalty, she should be able to answer without a negative reaction.

2. The Head of Gryffindor should be very patient and tolerant of pranks. They are not just a way of killing time or annoying people, but also a way of lightening up a tense situation.

3. The Head of Gryffindor should be awesome enough to be able to speak to the Hogwarts High Inquisitor without strangling her, and if she happens to make the aforementioned Inquisitor look like a prat-that is an added bonus.

4. The Head of Gryffindor must be intelligent enough to frequently participate in the inter-house rivalries with the Head of Slytherin. These duties include but are not limited to taking points and snarky banter at least once a week.

5. The Head of Gryffindor must be able to fill Headmistress duties as required, and this includes the requisite offering of sweets or sweet things to visitors as required. She must also be able to act as Headmistress and teach classes with no apparent Deputy.

6. Pursuant to Line 2, the Head of Gryffindor should not mind pranks if they are played on Slytherins and is encouraged to give points and compliments to the prankers.

7. The Head of Gryffindor should be highly competitive about Quidditch, to the point of breaking several rules in order to improve Gryffindor's chances on the pitch.

8. The Head of Gryffindor needs to be an exceptionally courageous and patient person. Dealing with students who break rules frequently and have near-brushes with death, due to dragons, basilisks, trolls and the like is not for the faint-hearted.

9. The Head of Gryffindor must remember that no matter how tempting it is, she is never to transfigure a student into an item or animal. This also means that no matter how much she might dislike a student, if she comes across a transfigured student she is to return them to human form. Even if she would prefer they stayed in non-human form.

10. The Head of Gryffindor should give her students the feeling that she is not to be crossed, as it looks impressive. At least, it looks impressive until she is crossed for the first time and students continue doing so for another five years.

Severus Snape was having, by his standards, a quite reasonable day. He had taken sixty points from Gryffindor, and Potter's potions class were not on his Wednesday schedule. Not having to put up with him in class meant that any day was, by default, good.

As he strode into his office, preparing to collect his latest potions journal and spend the evening reading in peace, his attention was caught by a scroll tied in bright pink ribbon.

His mood darkened considerably. He had heard about these scrolls from the other Heads of House, how they contained guidelines for being a Head of House. Although, the ribbon on his scroll was bright pink. A quick flick of the wand had the ribbon fade from pink to gray, right until it was black. A second flick changed the ribbon from pristinely glossy and smooth to frayed and ragged, the edges rough and thin. It looked like someone had spent a few weeks with it stuck to the bottom of their shoe and been walking on it.

Pleased with his work, Snape picked up the scroll, half-expecting it to explode in his face. When no explosion came, he opened it warily. The writing looped and spiralled all over the parchment, finally stopping.

_Being a Head of House: the Unofficial Guidelines._

_The Slytherin Edition_

Snape suspected that he would have to read it. Merlin alone knew what enchantments were on the parchment that would be triggered if he didn't read it.

1. The Head of Slytherin must not dress solely in one block colour, every day. It gets boring, and adding some variety into one's wardrobe would not be difficult. Dumbledore would be pleased to act as a fashion consultant.

2. The Head of Slytherin must give Gryffindor students points at least once a day if he wishes for inter-house unity to become more than just a dream of Dumbledore's.

3. The Head of Slytherin must make an effort to smile every once in a while. Even the school's strictest teachers do, and the world is so much a pleasanter place for their doing so.

4. The Head of Slytherin must not terrify Hufflepuffs by informing them that he is in fact a bat Animagus and habitually spends time in this form, waiting to follow them around until they notice. Nor must he tell them that the Head of Gryffindor is in fact a lion/tiger Animagus, who favours sitting outside the Hufflepuff common room "to protect them from scary things."

5. The Head of Slytherin should make an effort to include fun potions in his classes. These may include but are not limited to Giggling Drafts, Dancing Dreamers or any potion that makes medicine taste like candy.

6. The Head of Slytherin must turn a blind eye to the pranks that might be played around the castle. He is however encouraged to praise and give points for the efforts made.

7. The Head of Slytherin should be competitive enough to snark on the other houses' chances at Quidditch. He should also be able to shake hands with the Head of the winning House and force a decent smile when doing so. Similarly, if his is the House that wins, he must not gloat too thoroughly, especially when his opposing Heads of House are a Transfiguration Mistress, a Charms Master and the Herbologist who supplies him with many important potions ingredients.

8. The Head of Slytherin must not stare into a student's cauldron for a very long time before announcing that it is entirely wrong. Especially not if the student is a Ravenclaw, as they will likely know if the potion is wrong or not.

9. The Head of Slytherin must not switch Professor Trelawney's crystal balls with round vials of potion and, when she notices, tell her that they are in fact crystal balls with filled with a secret meaning, message or code. He must then not tell her that she has to decode the secret meaning message or code, or the world shall end.

10. Pursuant to Line 9, the Head of Slytherin must not give people any clear potion and say it is water. This is especially true if the potion happens to be Veritaserum. Furthermore, he must not charm potions to look like water and say that he "just wanted to see what would happen."


	7. Chapter 7

**Gred and Forge Must Not**

**A/N: I'm working with the assumption that the twins ****don't**** know who Tom Riddle is. Thus, they feel free to mock him… oh. Even if they did they still would, I imagine. Anyway. Also, imagination and creative license. I mean no offence to anyone.**

7. Create a list of 50 reasons the DADA position is cursed and call it "precautionary tales."

Fred and George sat in the library, researching the Defence Against the Dark Arts position.

As it happened, some bloke named Tom Riddle had once applied for the position, but Dumbledore turned him down, probably on the basis of his age. Then, Riddle had been ticked off and put some curse on the position.

And now, Fred and George felt it their duty to warn the next Defence professor of what they were facing. They would research and create a book of "50 Precautionary Tales For One Who Wishes to Teach DADA."

George decided it would be wisest to begin with what they knew. In reverse order, from most recent to earliest, they would list what had happened to the Defence professors.

1. Alastor Moody. _Turned out to be Barty Crouch Jr, a Polyjuiced Death Eater who attempted to kill students._

2. Remus Lupin. _A competent teacher who happened to be a werewolf and resigned before parents could get worked up at the danger._

3. Gilderoy Lockhart. _Spent more time curling his hair; tried to Obliviate a student but the spell backfired and he wiped his own memory._

4. Quirinius Quirrell. _Shared his body with that of Voldemort; died trying to obtain the Philosopher's Stone so Voldemort could return to power._

5. The professor stole Dumbledore's supply of lemon drops; was forcibly chased from the school by an angry Fawkes.

6. The professor was dosed with Veritaserum and Babbling Beverages by Severus Snape who had a dislike for the professor; he ended up insulting the school and everyone in it quite viciously and was fired.

7. The professor turned out to be a mouse Animagus, which proved to be a danger considering the fairly high number of owls and cats in the school. She was fired for her own safety.

8. The professor was fired for incompetence after teaching the students many useless spells. These included but were not limited to: defence using flowers; offering the opponent a cookie as a diversion and teaching use of Muggle weaponry "for a surprise attack."

9. The professor, who was Muggleborn, wanted to raise the wizarding world's view of Muggles and taught _only Muggle styles _of fight and defence, and was fired for causing danger to students.

10. The professor quit the job midway through the year, owing to a lifelong terror of Hippogriffs and paranoia that the aforementioned Hippogriff was about to attack.

11. The professor quit on account of finding teaching boring and a dislike on students.

12. The professor only wanted to stay long enough to see what a Christmas ball would be like as a staff member and quit before January first.

13. The professor tried to look after the Giant Squid as a pet and called it "extra credit for Care of Magical Creatures", only to be dragged into the lake where there was a run-in with the Merpeople, causing him to become convinced his life's goal was to harvest Gillyweed and become fluent in Mermish.

14. The professor claimed that there was a conspiracy between the unicorns and a "team of Flobberworms" to take over the Ministry, thereby taking over the school and appointing a leprechaun as Minister and Headmaster.

15. The professor angered the house elves when she insisted on cooking all meals and then trying to clean up all the dorms. The elves chased her out of the school, pelting her with cakes and paint balloons.

16. The professor hounded the gargoyles that guarded the Headmaster's office until they challenged him to a duel. Due to his unfortunate lack of shields, he spent seven hours dancing around avoiding swords before finally summoning a house elf to Apparate him to safety.

17. The professor spent more time conversing with the paintings and debating the better methods of defence than _actually _teaching her students. She was fired for being too chatty.

18. The professor was very open about his disdain for cats and phoenixes. After managing to offend both Fawkes and McGonagall (who transformed into a cat and tore up all his robes) Dumbledore decided to find a new DADA professor "to keep the peace."

19. The professor insulted Severus Snape eleven times at one meeting. In retaliation, Severus devised a new potion specifically to turn one's hair and face neon blue and slipped it into her drink. Unable to change it back or apply glamours, she quit out of mortification.

20. The professor insulted Herbology, referring to Pomona Sprout as a "glorified gardener" who was paid to "dig up weeds" and ensure plants didn't "become too unruly." Rumour has it there was later an incident with a vase of Devil's Snare placed in her office.

21. The professor was very much a fan of Muggle appliances. Upon discovering the lack of computer or TV, she quit in a tantrum, claiming that the appliances made life easier and more entertaining.

22. The professor insulted Poppy Pomfrey for working as a nurse in a school, rather than a large hospital. To retaliate, Poppy warned him of the rumour that once upon a basilisk lived in his quarters and still returned. He quit out of terror.

23. The professor came in and tried to change the entire curriculum. The rest of the staff ganged up and forcibly marched him out of Hogwarts, calling him an "untalented, unexceptional idiot."

24. Being a very fashion-conscious person, the professor tried to change Dumbledore's entire wardrobe to something more "Headmasterly." Upon discovering this, Dumbledore asked Hogwarts herself to eject the professor from the school grounds.

25. The professor told Dumbledore that socks were stupid. Thus, she learned why one should never insult someone vastly older than you, especially if that person happens to be skilled in transfiguration. She became a new pair of socks, never worn: instead, folded in a drawer for decades.

26. The professor applied under the name of Sammy Sunshine. Later, he requested that he be called Tom Riddle, and upon being fired, admitted that it was "just a really lame joke."

27. The professor decided that to make classes _really _fun, she would include dance lessons for thirty minutes out of every lesson. Unfortunately, due to an introduction to jinxes that _force_ a person to dance, she quit in mid-January, swearing never to dance again.

28. The professor insulted Filius Flitwick's goblin heritage, to which Filius responded by charming her possessions to go missing at a moment's notice. When she quit in exasperation, just before the Easter break, her possessions chased her, single-file, out of the school.

29. The professor spilled a bottle of ink over a book in the library. When the book began screaming in pain, Pince saw what had happened and demanded she be fired, due to the rareness of the book.

30. The professor spent too much time reading and writing fanfiction. Upon trying to establish a fanfiction club, Dumbledore realized the students weren't learning anything and fired her.

31. The professor quit, citing the belief that teaching was too much responsibility and cut into his social life.

32. The professor quit on the basis that the quarters provided cramped her style.

33. The professor required a team of leprechauns to follow her around and be cheerleaders. It worked for a few weeks, until a student hexed the leprechauns orange and the professor retaliated by cursing the student with pink hair that could never be cut, charmed or covered with a spell.

34. The professor tried to steal the Elder Wand from Dumbledore. Unfortunately the wand was still loyal to Dumbledore and set him on fire; he fled into the night.

35. The professor taught everything but Defence classes. It enabled the students to gain E and O grades in every subject _except for_ Defence.

36. The professor used the position to try and get closer to the mediwitch position. One day, Poppy was forced to take time off and the professor stepped in as her substitute: he wound up mispronouncing several healing spells which made them ineffective and was fired before he had the chance to become a real hazard.

37. The professor tried to tell Severus how to better improve a potion; Severus laced his drink with the aforementioned potion. The professor was, until he accidentally consumed the potion, unaware that it would turn him into a rabbit.

38. Fawkes took an automatic dislike to the professor. One night while he slept, Fawkes appeared in his chambers and dropped him off in the desert. The professor was gone five days before anyone noticed; when they did, he refused to come back due to paranoia that Fawkes was "out to get him."

39. The professor held mock exams every third lesson "to help students prepare." Consequently, Poppy was in constant need of new batches of Calming Draughts and Dumbledore eventually fired him, fearing for the students' sanity.

40. The professor favoured jinxing the students as a method of teaching them to be aware of their surroundings. When McGonagall found out, she transfigured him into a dainty butterfly and conjured a few birds to hover menacingly, which caused the butterfly-professor to have a meltdown. He flew away before he could be returned to normal state.

41. The professor was less of a teacher and more of a model who wished to prove that models could be intelligent. This turned out to be a fine example of irony, when she was unable to block an _Expelliarmus _from a sixth year: no one in the school took her seriously after that. Incidentally, history repeated itself when the same thing happened during Severus Snape and Gilderoy Lockhart's duel.

42. The professor took the position because he wanted to see what it would be like, "having all that power." Dumbledore fired him midway through the year, concerned about the risk of another Dark Lord rising.

43. The professor was an unregistered Animagus, which ruffled a number of feathers. Several students witnessed her transform one day, and as she was not good with Memory Charms, they used it as blackmail against her. She quit in terror shortly after Christmas.

44. Tried to liberate various creatures from Care of Magical Creatures, in order to "show students the difference between Dark and non-Dark creatures." The then Care of Magical Creatures professor had a near breakdown, convinced someone was trying to sabotage him, and Dumbledore was persuaded that it was for the best interest of all involved if he just found a new Defence professor.

45. The professor unwittingly put everyone at risk when he demonstrated the correct method for breeding and raising a Basilisk. One student attempted it, but mercifully was not successful. The governors called for the professor to be fired immediately.

46. The professor pretended to be a Parse mouth "just as a joke" but when the students and staff began firing curses in self-defence, he was forced to resign. Before he left, Dumbledore told him that the joke was tasteless and tacky, and the professor knew it was serious because the ever-present twinkle wasn't there.

47. The professor was Muggleborn and knew nothing of Tom Riddle. Unfortunately for this professor, his real name happened to be Thomas N. Rittel, and a very paranoid Alastor Moody misread the name as Tom Riddle. Dumbledore reacted on instinct, firing the professor before learning his mistake. The professor refused to return, on the grounds that he didn't like being mistaken for a villain.

48. The professor was ice-skating on the Great Lake one winter when the Giant Squid was woken up and became annoyed with her. The squid then smashed through the ice, scaring her and sending her flying. She quit a few days later, paranoid that someone was out to get her, and never ice-skated again.

49. The professor actually wanted the role of Divination professor and took to following the then-Divination professor around, predicting things. It was only when a prophecy involving a dragon was made that the Divination professor was spooked and quit, leaving the way clear for the Defence professor to move into the open Divination slot.

50. The professor managed to annoy Professors Flitwick, Snape, Sprout and McGonagall all within the same week. After hearing from a portrait that the four teachers were conspiring to pay him back in kind, he fled, terrified of what might happen when a Potions master, Transfiguration mistress, Herbology mistress and Charms master combined their resources. He was right to worry, as he later received a parcel which combined their talents to spawn several dozen household items that followed him around singing Christmas carols and dancing on his head.

The twins finished listing the last of the fifty professors and how their careers ended, then began assembling it all into a proper book with chapters.

Several weeks later they were done, and anonymously donated the book to the library. Much to their delight, it was set on the shelves in the Staff of Hogwarts section, and they later came across Dumbledore reading it, before he took it out.

They thought they heard him say something to Madam Pince about how Severus might find it useful.


End file.
